i have these old photographs of you when you were my age, pictures when you were wed, oh and my favorite picture of you and paw paw kissing on the couch with gifts surrounding you on your anniversary, your old jewelry box, your handwritting from your check book registry, your old pearls and the quilt you made for me that i hold onto real tight on days when i miss you the most, days like today when i could really use one of your "mow-mow hugs".
you taught me how to laugh, we were so alike in our personality. God blessed me with a little piece of you when he made me. we were so close because i was so much apart of you, and i still am today. every now and then when something really makes me laugh, you know that kind of laugh that makes you stream tears uncontrollably, i feel you near me and it always takes me back to those days sitting in your lap as a little girl in your recliner that you loved so much. you would make up silly stories that would make me giggle, stories that would even make yourself giggle. and we would just laugh and laugh. and you would watch barney and friends with me everytime i came over to see you, i miss that so much.
this little piggies and the way you always exaggerated the e's of the weee weee weee's all the way home! i can hear you now and see you wiggling that pinkie toe of mine and you knew exactly where my tickle spots were! you would curl those fingers up and say "mow mows gonna tickle you!"
it was so cold in that old trailer of yours, i remember laying my head by the air conditioner vents on the floors and looking down them make- believing there was some kind of underground tunnel down there among all the dust and buttons that fell through the slits. i was just a kid, so of course i didn't know how silly that sounded at the time.
those blue and pink floral couches and those dull pink curtains that you made to match. i remember that odd gold oriental lamp that used to hang over the picture of you and paw paw. it seems like there was something red on the same wall, i wish i could remember what it was. i think it may have been from daddys graduation portrait that hung beside it along with my aunt bev and uncle andys graduation portraits. daddy had a red/burgandy jacket on in that picture. and that bright orange rocker that you said was paw paw's favorite chair. i remember you telling me how paw paw wasn't so good with kids, until oneday i hopped in his lap and made him play with me. and you said he used to rock me to sleep in that orange rocker.
the carpet was so worn down from the years and you had to watch your step for pins and needles that you lost while you were quilting. that was your hobby and you loved it. i pulled out the scraps from some of your unfinished quilts the other day just to look at them, i wish you could have finished them because they are so beautiful. mama finished the quilt you were working on for bridgette before she got married, before you passed away.
i remember your hands, you held me so many times how could i forget? so soft to the touch yet worn from all of the sewing and pricking you did with your diabetes "finger pricker" you called it. i used to be so afraid when i saw you using that finger pricker, i thought it was hurting you and you showed me what it did that day. you even let me prick my finger, i remember that.
i wish i could remember how you smelled, i think i miss that the most. i remember recognizing the smell a few years ago and i thought of you, i miss you so much.
yesterday i thought about the night me and mikell-paige spent the night with you. we stayed up late that night telling ghost stories and of course i was curled up in your lap. i remember you telling us about the time you saw paw paws ghost. you said paw paw came walking into the living room in just his underwear and boots on and asked you where his pants were. its funny now thinking back, but it sure wasn't then! after you told me that i couldn't sleep and i remember daddy coming to pick me up that night because i was so scared.
i miss the christmas's when everyone got a pack of brand new socks. i remember that christmas though when i was sick of getting socks every christmas and i let you know it too! the next year i didn't get socks, i got a toy doll instead and i felt terrible. i never told you i was sorry for that, but i was just a kid, you understood. i would give anything now to get a pack of socks from you for christmas. ever since you left, our family has drifted apart, we rarely get together now for the holidays. you were the glue that held our family together.
|you got a pack of socks for christmas|
i remember sitting with you while you were in that hospital bed, not knowing you would soon slip through our fingers. it all happened too quickly, and all the sudden we were seeing you suffer in the ICU and the only thing keeping you with us still was the life support system. it was like it was all a dream. daddy told me to hold your hand and tell you anything i wanted to tell you, he said you could hear me and that he would even leave the room so i could talk to you. but i couldn't, i just couldn't do it and now i wish i would have told you how much i loved you. i would have pulled out every memory i had of us, i would have apologized about the socks.
im getting older now but it doesn't seem so long ago since you were here with me. sometimes i think i forget to think about you, i get so caught up in this big world, i don't want to forget a single memory i have with you. im thankful for the little things that remind me of you, and i keep them real close deep inside my heart. i know that i will see you again, i just miss you so bad sometimes it seems like that day is so far away beyond my reach. i know you won't be around when i wear a white dress down the isle to marry, but i'll keep you close near my heart by wearing your pearls and you won't be around to spread your laughter or play this little piggy with my babies oneday, but i will tell them stories of you and me, and they will feel your love through me.